may 30, 2025
ive never felt a love so pure ✿
ive never felt a love so pure ✿
worked today. was really feeling the wage slaveness in my soul today. im sick of being taken advantage of. its like people forget that there's actual PEOPLE that are putting time and effort into the things they bring to be fixed. "hey i know i checked this pc in to be assembled and reassembled on three separate occasions in the past week, taking tremendous amounts of time away from ACTUAL time sensitive tasks but... i actually need you to take it all apart and put all the components into the original packaging because i need to return it all.
holy shit. that was his intention. dude wanted a custom built top of the line gaming pc for a week and planned of returning it all. holy shit. i want to tell him to fuck off and take it apart himself. oh my god. fuck that motherfucker. we should wait until the return policy is run out on the component before actually disassembling it. oh my god i want to fucking scream at this guy dude. im not your slave because you pay my faceless overlords 200 dollars a year.
also my dog is limping? he's not putting weight on his front paw and its scaring me but im just going to pretend its fine. man im still mad about work. i need to fucking unionize. but i cant. because they will fire me. "oh they cant fire you for that its illegal" no but they can fire me for my underperformance. or that i was 10 minutes late that one time. fuck this country man. i have no rights over my autonomy in any way. i cant even fight for more rights, ill just be shut down. i need to get out of this place.
about this country though- i feel like im losing my mind. like... everyone sees the blatent decent into facism right?? like, why is it not what everyone is talking about all the time? why is there no information about what to do in this situation?? like. this has happened before. you watch movies about the rise of nazi germany and you see the bystanders shrugging and ignoring everything and laugh and be like "what a dumbass, i would do more". no you wouldn't. not only is there an active genocide happening at our direct financial influence, but we are beginning the stages of doing it to OUR OWN PEOPLE. im just looking around like a maniac wondering why everyone isnt like... running around and screaming about this? i try to bring things up to my parents and they shut me down. "oh i stopped watching the news. anyway..." i dont know. maybe i am crazy. but i have a feeling ill be telling my grandchildren one day that i saw it all happening from the jump.
anyway. goodnight diary. its past midnight and i want to wake up a little early. ill try to write again tomorrow.
today was a bit of a roller coaster for me. started difficult as soon as i woke up, then it was beautiful, and is difficult again. what do you do when someone you love is addicted to you and you're addicted to them? what do you do when you don't have the same kind of support system they do? how can i say that he's become the thing that grounds me in this life? i don't want to guilt him. he shouldn't feel guilty. im so happy he has so many things he needs to attend to and care for. i have those people too but i can't help but feel like a stranger to everyone. i am loved, but im not known.
i dont want to fall into a depression again. i was already flirting with it before this and im a little afraid it will push me in. i hate feeling guilt. i am feeling guilty for loving him with my all. i love him like ive never loved before. maybe that was the problem. maybe im not meant to love like this. maybe its too good to be true. or- too true to be good.
i can feel the depression taking hold on my mind. i've felt it enough to recognize it. it feels like lifting a gallon of milk to lift my eyes up from looking down. i don't want this. i don't want to feel alone anymore. i dont want to be a stranger to the world again. im finally not a stranger to myself. everyone in the world feels like a stranger beside him.
i usually deal with this feeling by regressing, but i dont know what to say to rosie to make her understand the situation. i know she will assume he doesn't love her anymore and i know that's not true. how do you explain to a four year old that her favorite person in the world is addicted to her and needs to talk to her less often? she can't even nap without him there. maybe this is good. maybe rosie needs to be able to rely on ourself for support and comfort.
i feel my walls building. i dont want them to, but i feel them. like im putting extra distance between him and i so that i dont get sad when things are different or less often. i hate my mind for doing this. why deprive us of something beautiful and real just because its less often? its the all or nothing mentality i need to ignore. just because the time spent together is less, doesnt mean there's less love. i dont want these walls. i want my flower. i still have him so long as i want him. why am i pushing him away?
my heart hurts. its not over. why does it feel like its over?
i should write a poem.
i just ate dinner with my parents. my dad made spaghetti specifically for me which made me feel loved. then as we ate, i felt more and more sad. they talked to each other the entire time. it felt like i wasn't even there. the only thing said addressed to me was asking if i work tomorrow. i said yes and said what time. that sparked another conversation between them that didnt include me. i ate less than half my dish and put the rest in a tupperware container. my mom saw the empty plate and said "good job". she didn't even see me put it away. i just want to be seen. i want to feel like im here. i want to feel like i have a family, not housemates.